I can remember that I wanted to be a ballerina, and for awhile I thought that was a possibility. At age nine I danced in my city's ballet company.
I loved being a part of that, but then that summer we moved to a small town in Canada and although I was able to keep dancing it wasn't the same. Later, I found that I had an inner ear problem that stopped me from doing the turns. Being a ballerina wasn't going to work out for me.
In my teens I thought that I wanted to be a forensic psychiatrist. Not sure why, but it just sounded interesting. Life got in the way, but in my forties I did go back to school and earned a masters degree in counseling psychology. By that time I had no interest in the forensic part.
I always wanted to get married and have two daughters. I dreamed of the perfect husband who I would spend the rest of my life with, who would share my love for my daughters.
I got married and had the two daughters, but unfortunately I didn't count on my husband having a serious mental illness. I didn't plan on all of the heartbreak or that I would end up raising those two girls myself.
I wasn't prepared.
I became a grownup, but did I ever really completely grow up. There are times when I don't feel grown up and other times when I don't want to be a grownup.
There have been so many times when life's burdens seem to be overwhelming and I wish I could retreat back into those days of dreaming, but that isn't possible.
As I think about the remaining years of my life I wonder what I really want to do with them. I am on my own. It isn't a place that I thought I would be. I am financially challenged. It isn't how I thought things would be.
So these days I think about what I want to do with the rest of these grownup years.
Maybe, when we get to a certain age we don't have to be quite so grownup. Maybe we can revert just a little bit back to those carefree days of our youth.
Maybe we don't have to worry so much about what the future holds, but instead focus on today.
Sounds good to me.