F Simple and Serene Living: taking care of mom 09 10
Sunday, March 23, 2014

taking care of mom


I had my day all planned out Friday. Get up, answer all your wonderful comments, work.....

At 5:45 in the morning my phone rang. It was my mom saying the ambulance was coming to take her to the hospital. I jumped up, woke up my sister, threw on some clothes, and headed out. 

We had been down this road several times in the last year. My mom having chest pains and nausea and nothing showing up. This time we finally got to the bottom of it. She has a stone the size of a hen's egg blocking her bile duct. Yes, she had her gall bladder out many years ago, but she still forms stones. 

The stone was too large to remove without surgery and they considered her too high risk, at age 89, for that. So they decided to put her under general anesthesia and put in a stent. Before they took her back the doctor told me that it was possible she might not survive the procedure. So I kissed her, told her I loved her, and said she would be fine. 

Then I prayed and for the next hour I thought back on the relationship I have had with my mother. For most of my life it has not been easy. She resented me from the time I was born, for reasons I will not go into here. She has said many cruel things to me in the past, but I have forgiven her and moved into the present. She is almost 90 years old and she needs someone she can rely on. That someone is me. 

We have many decisions to make and many things to take care of. The stent will not last forever so we have to decide a plan of action. There are also legal things we need to take care of and plans that need to be discussed for the end of her life. These are not easy things to do, but as we age so do our parents. They are no longer our caretakers, we are theirs. 

I know that many of you are also dealing with the care and loss of your parents. My father passed away almost 18 years ago. I still miss him. I'm not sure that missing ever goes away. I am hoping that my mom will be with us for a good while longer. That we will have more quality time together. 

I have asked God many times over the last few years why he keeps sending me back to Kentucky when I obviously have wanted to be somewhere else. I think I have my answer. Being here is as much for my healing as for hers. 



 

31 comments:

  1. Very touching.So painful for her.My heart goes out to Her and Your family.Prayers have been said-Denise

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  2. Laura, thought and prayers are with you and your mom for quick healing, patience and love as you and your sister care for her back to health. Hugs to you.

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  3. I feel for what your Mother is going thru right now, the pain. You are a blessing to her that she may or may not realize. Yes, you are there for a reason! Blessings to you and your family!

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  4. Laura I know what you are going through. I got a call late Friday from my Mom asking me to come to Houston. She isn't feeling well and we need to make some decisions about where she will now live. I no longer want her living alone. My Mom's health is precarious at 83 and with a heart condition she knows she is limited in what she can do and what can be done for her. I'm flying to Houston today and I know I will be there for at least a month. My prayers are with you and your Mom as you go through this hard time together. It's hard but I love my Mother and can't imagine not being there for her. Hugs, Linda

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  5. Laura, My heart hurts for you. When my sister Pam and I retired ...it seemed we were always running to and from hospital. First our father then our mother. They have both passed on . You are right, you never stop missing them. Ever. Hold tight to your mother, as long as you can. Blessings for a full healing for your mother and you. xoxo,Susie

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  6. may you have the strength you need.

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  7. You are a good daughter, Laura!

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  8. Aw, Laura. My mother and I were estranged through a set of circumstances for many years. When we were united, there were so many years between and so much time lost. Take advantage of your time together, if not for her, for you. Forgiveness is an ongoing process, and although the other person benefits from it somewhat, you benefit the most. There have been times through dealing with people and their problems that facts from long ago have come to light and then you can see why a person acted out a certain way. Childhood memories, buried secrets, impressions that may not be true, all make up our personalities.It is like seeing a puzzle finally come together. We make our choices for today and what we pass on to others.

    My prayer for you today and in the coming times, is that you will find quality time with your mother and sister as you deal with this event in life. Hugs, from one who has been there. I never regret the time I was able to spend with my mom before she passed on. May you have many more years together.

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  9. I chanced upon your blog and found this as well as several of your recent posts so like others lives and questions we ask as we age.
    Both my parents are still alive and neither ever wants help or assistance from their children, making us feel left out of caring for them. I respect their wishes but sometimes it is very difficult to live with and I often feel guilty for not being able to penetrate the adult, child relationship they have with me and my siblings.
    As for the other post about feeling one's age... I've taken 59 years to perfect who I am, proud of what I've accomplished and look forward to what ever life I have ahead.
    Enjoy the day and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
    Susan

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  10. I was resented too. For some unfathomable reason I was blamed for my mother's unhappiness. We never had a meaningful conversation. I am truly happy for you in having an opportunity for healing.

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  11. I'm so sorry that your mother is unwell and hope you get through this rough time with grace and peace. Blessings, Pamela

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  12. Whatever effort and forgiveness and love you put into this relationship with your mother now, will bring you blessings for all eternity. You have a wonderful and unique opportunity to love her during this difficult time in her life. Blessings on you both, Ann

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  13. Oh Laura, I am sorry that you are going through this emotional ride once again. Having our parents age is difficult enough without churning up those mean spirited memories that hurt so much. Mr D and I are working through some old age mean spirit with my Mom and Dad right now. It hurts. I sometimes rationalize that it helps us let go when the time comes.
    I remember the lovely tribute you wrote about your father. I hope your fond memories of him will help carry you through this recent storm!

    Take care, my friend!
    withLove!

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  14. It's hard when parents start to age, it tears up our hearts,they are supposed to be the same, healthy, happy people forever...not those frail confused old people sitting there.

    You are rising above the hurt and being there for your Mom showing a generosity of spirit that heals many wounds. I hope all goes well for her.

    Jen

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  15. Take care, Laura ......... my prayers are with you.

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  16. I've been right in your shoes, Laura. My mother had dementia and that was a horrible process to watch. Dad died when I was 21 years old and I STILL miss him-even after all these years. I don't think it ever goes away either. God bless you as you deal with end-of-life issues, Laura. It is something that none of us want to think about but have to anyway. xo Diana

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  17. Prayers for you and your mom. I know these times are not easy for you.

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  18. OH Laura...prayers and support behind / underneath you / upholding you

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  19. Sending prayers your way Laura. God sends people into our lives for a reason and there is a lot to be said for your attempts to overcome a difficult relationship.

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  20. I think doctors do way too many surgeries on the elderly. I know of people having bi-passes at age 90. This must have been a risky surgery. I know how hard it is to have a mother that makes life difficult. I am glad that you have forgiven her. Bless you for being her caretaker. I hope that the procedure will help her for a long time. (((((HUGS)))))

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  21. God bless you and your mom. What a wise and loving, albeit hard!, post.

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  22. I do feel what you are going through as I've been down this road with both my mother and father. Thankfully I have a large family so I didn't carry the burden alone. I admire you for letting go of the past...you can devote your whole heart while your mom lives out the remainder of her life. I wish you all the best during these trying times.

    XO,
    Jane

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  23. Laura sending you and your mom prayers for healing. Your story touched me. You are a wonderful daughter and in the end Love will always shine through. It is obvious that you love your mom even with all the difficult times. You are a blessing to her. Hoping for better days ahead for both of you.
    Kris

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  24. I'm so sorry to hear that you're having to deal with all of this. I'm sure your mom is thankful to be able to rely on you during these stressful times. I hope that this path you're on continues to bring you the healing that you need.

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  25. I'm sorry to read that post, Laura. I hope you'll find strength in those difficult times in knowing we all think of you.

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  26. I can relate and I'm so glad you decided to share the struggles you've had. Forgiveness can be so difficult. But working through it can be so freeing! Bless you and your Mom!

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  27. Hello Laura. In the days ahead, any time you spend with your Mom and anything you do for her, you will never regret. I had my own journey to make with my Mom. In the last few years of her life, I had some wonderful quality time with my mom. I moved cross country so she could live with us, rather than go into a nursing home. It was a hard decision but one I am SO GLAD I made. God certainly knew what He was doing with me and now, I'm sure, He knows what He's doing with you and your Mama. Good luck, Laura, and bless you both. Susan

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  28. Oh Laura HUGS HUGS I understand the things you are going through as I am sure many our age are indeed going through those same things and wondering how they will do it and why they have to. You are going to enjoy this time with your Mom and things will get worked out and everything will be OK. I miss my Dad too and he has been gone for 6 years and no that never seems to leave me. I wish you and your Mom the best to get through this difficult time. You are not alone. Hugs B

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  29. This journey began for me about 8 years ago and then I lost both of my parents 3 years ago within 6 months of each other. My mom and I had issues when I growing up. When my children came along, she asked my forgiveness and we moved on. She was my best friends during those last years. However, at some point you have to deal with the pain. After they both passed, I had a near breakdown and have been seeing a therapist for over a year now every week. I realized I couldn't deal with the abuse until they were gone. So much pain, but I can honestly say that God is healing me and some ways, I feel whole. It is something I continue to deal with. Prayers for you. I pray that God will give you time together that will be meaningful.

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  30. Such a poignant post... This caregiving, forgiving old hurts, healing old hurts... Life! It is messy sometimes. May your mom live every one of her intended days well and content. May the same be true of us all.

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  31. You Mom is so fortunate to have you close by and willing. I'm sure you are such a comfort to her. I hope it becomes a healing time for both of you.

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